Title: "Twu Wuv" Featuring: Orlando Bloom, Viggo Mortensen Rating: PG-13 Summary: Isn't wuv grand? Sequel to Proposal. Gen-fic. Disclaimer: Fiction means just that. Notes: For everyone who asked. Orlando's bad poetry is courtesy of Soulstar, since I lack her brilliance. "Give me what I'm needing You know what I'm dreaming of" --The Spice Girls Dom paced the confines of Orlando's hotel room, neatly dodging the small desk. "Flowers?" Orlando held up a bouquet of budding, pale pink roses. "Check." "Vows?" "I scoured every twee greeting card shop I could find," Orlando grinned. Dom returned the grin, then looked down at his list, tongue tucked between his teeth. "Right...um...music?" Orlando held up a copy of Barry Manilow's greatest hits. "Check." Dom winced. "You're going to get divorced before you get married. Alright, moving on. Dress?" Orlando held up a lacey, white veil. "Check. Or as close to check as I'm getting." "You need a dress." "I already told you I'm not wearing a dress. True love will only get me so far." "That's a sad commentary on the world." "Sorry to disillusion you." Orlando's grin told a different story, however. "Is that it?" "Nope. One more thing. The rings." Orlando held open a small box. "Check." Dom simply blinked for a second. "Oh, you're having me on..." he said, howling with laughter. "That's the biggest cliché in the world, mate!" "Dommie, this entire ceremony is a cliché. Go with what works." "Yes, but matching One Rings?!" "It was 'Lord of the Rings' that brought us together. It's symbolic." "As long as Viggo appreciates the gesture," Dom chuckled, sprawling back on the bed. "What time is it?" "Half-past eleven." "Time enough for a nap before the ceremony." Dom snuggled up to a pillow, closed his eyes. Orlando flopped down beside Dom, nudged him with a shoulder. "You could go to your own room, you know." "Yes, but who would do your make-up?" Dom mumbled, already half-asleep. "No make-up," Orlando replied, his own eyes sliding shut. "We'll see." * * * "This is ridiculous." "Pre-wedding jitters already?" Karl asked, closing the door to Viggo's room. "I meant you." "What're you talking about?" Karl looked down at himself, then back up at Viggo. "It's a suit, innit?" "It's horrible." "Chartreuse, actually." Karl dropped into a chair, gave Viggo a winning smile. "Really, I'm disappointed you didn't know that. And you call yourself an artist." Viggo rolled his eyes, sat in the chair opposite Karl. "Insulting the groom on his wedding day is bad form, anyone ever tell you that?" "Since when do I have manners?" Viggo laughed. "True. Alright, explain the, erm, chartreuseness again." "It's festive." "It's ridiculous." "Festive." "What are we, toddlers? I'm not debating this." "Good. You'd lose anyway," Karl stated on a laugh. "Want me to tell you what the bride is wearing?" "Saw Orlando, did you?" "Yeah, woke him and Dom up. Don't think they were too happy to see me." Not that Karl looked like the thought bothered him. "Even tried to get Orlando to do the traditional sleep with the best man before the wedding thing, but he wasn't going for it." "Oh?" "Yeah. For the best, anyway. Would have been awkward." "His love for me is steadfast and true," Viggo stated, pressing a hand over his heart and sighing dramatically. "Nah, I think it had more to do with that whole bloke on bloke thing." "Yeah, that could get complicated." "Speaking of -- sex?" "No thanks, I'm getting married," Viggo grinned. Karl chuckled, leaned back in his chair. "I wasn't offering. Have you and Orlando discussed the whole sex issue yet?" "Hm...oh yeah. Got it all straightened out." Karl waited a beat. "And?" "And we agreed not to have any. With each other, at least." "Better that way," Karl agreed. "Keeps things pure." Viggo nodded, eyes glowing with unholy glee. "How fairy tale of us." "You're the one that said it." Viggo's brows knit in confusion. "Said...?" "Fairy tale." Viggo groaned. "That was bad." "Again, you're the one that said it." Viggo opened his mouth to reply, then shut it at the knock on the door. Billy came waltzing in seconds later. "Nice to see someone in a dress." "Kilt." "Which means 'dress' in Gaelic," Karl replied, grinning. "Looks good on you. Dom was right." "How's that?" Billy asked, poking about in the mini-bar. "You do have better legs." Billy glanced down, then smirked in Karl's direction. "'Course I do." "And the embodiment of modesty," Viggo stated dryly. Billy ignored him, and fished a small bottle of whiskey from the bar, grinning in triumph. "Are ye ready, then?" "Yeah, I guess," Viggo shrugged. "I'm wearing a suit, I've gotten the sex talk from the best man. What else is there?" "Vows?" Viggo patted his breast pocket. "Done." "Rings?" Karl asked. "Orlando's taken care of it," Billy said. "Now, I am scared," Karl said, shuddering. "Everyone here?" "Of course," Billy stated, taking a sip from the bottle. "Who'd miss the ceremony of the century?" "Which reminds me..." Viggo fixed Billy and Karl with a measuring look. "Someone told Bean." "Oh, someone did, did they?" Karl asked, much too innocently. "Mmhmm. I get this call at 6am --" Viggo paused while Karl and Billy both winced "-- and Sean proceeds to give me the benefit of all of his advice with walking down the aisle." Billy bit his lip to keep from laughing. "And you can get his advice again when you and Orlando do the Hollywood split." "You don't think we'll make it?" "No power couple has, except for Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward," Karl stated, giving Viggo a reassuring pat on his hand. "Good point." * * * "We're gathered here..." "Psst." Dom poked an elbow into Bernard's ribs. "You forgot something." Bernard ignored the chuckles from the small crowd seated before him, the mock-sighs from Viggo and Orlando. "What?" "Dearly beloved. Weddings always begin with a dearly beloved," Dom nodded, giving Bernard a cheeky grin. "And I suppose you're presiding over this now?" Dom pouted at Bernard's measured stare. "No, but..." "Alright, then." Bernard cleared his throat, smiled at Orlando and Viggo again. "We're gathered here to celebrate the union between the second finest King in Middle Earth --" "Hey!" "-- and the best of the Prissy Elf folk, who, in the books, were far too busy braiding their hair to help at Helm's Deep." "Hey!" Orlando's turn. "And to think I call you guys my friends," Elijah muttered, shaking his head. "Oh, hush," Liv replied, dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief. "It's romantic." "Would you mind?" Orlando asked, giving Elijah a mock-glare. "This is supposed to be a big day for me." "I could remove him, angel, if he's upsetting you." Orlando batted his eyelashes at Viggo. "I appreciate the thought, Hero of my Life." "Alright, that is a bit much," Miranda muttered, wrinkling her nose. "Where'd you guys get that nonsense?" "You wouldn't believe it, Mir," Dom replied, shaking his head sadly. "Could we continue?" Bernard asked, sighing deeply. "I've got a golf game in an hour." "Oh, right, sorry." Orlando and Viggo obediently faced Bernard again, and Orlando flipped the veil up. "Can't see a bloody thing," he said, by way of explanation. "Moving right along...vows of some sort should be in order, yes?" "Got mine right here," Orlando replied, fishing out a piece of wrinkled paper from his pocket. "Here, Dom, hold these." Dom obediently took the flowers, and inhaled deeply. "What?" he asked, when Orlando just smirked at him. "I like roses, I'll have you know." "Yeah, alright, whatever you want to call it." "Perhaps you could throw the bouquet to him after," Karl remarked. "Hello, impatient groom awaiting his vows over here," Viggo reminded everyone, and Orlando leaned over, kissed Viggo lightly on the cheek. "Sorry, love. Just wanting to spread our joy." "If you say so." "Boys. Golf game." "Sorry." Orlando obediently gave Viggo his most liquid puppy-dog look, and started to recite: "Viggo makes my heart soar Like no-one has done before He holds my heart strings in his hand Like a bungee rubber band." Viggo barely managed to keep his face straight. "That's -- um --" "Inspired, eh?" Dom grinned. "Good thing Orlando doesn't want to be a writer," Elijah muttered, earning an elbow in the ribs from Miranda. "I'm afraid mine's not nearly as...um...Orlando-esque as yours," Viggo said, smiling in apology. "Something in iambic pentameter, no doubt," Billy stated. "Nah, blank verse," Karl said. "More T.S. Eliot than John Donne." "Lads, I'd be more than chuffed to discuss poetry at the reception..." "Reception?" Bernard raised an eyebrow at Orlando. "You're not having a reception?" Orlando and Viggo simply shrugged at each other. "We are now, I guess," Viggo said. "Splendid. I only drink Glenlivet neat, but I'm sure you already know that." "Do we ever," Dom muttered. The memory of that particular hangover would be with him a very long time. "Right." Bernard fixed his gaze on Viggo. "Well?" "Oh, right." Viggo dug through his pockets, pulling out various bits of scrap paper until he grinned in triumph. "I really don't want to know what's written on those other pieces of paper," Elijah whispered loudly to Miranda. "Probably bills from 1975," Liv grinned. "And he wonders why they repo'd his car." Elijah snickered, giving Liv a surreptitious high five. Viggo ignored them both, clearing his throat as he looked at Orlando with his most solemn expression. "Bread, salsa, chips, beer, milk," he intoned. "These I promise you." Orlando waited for a beat, then blinked. "That's it?" he asked, sparing a glare for Karl, who wasn't quite hiding his laughter. "A grocery list?" "It's got all of the important food groups on it," Viggo stated, lips twitching as everyone else in the small room started to chuckle. "I'm promising hearth and home, Orlando." "And beer, don't forget," Billy supplied helpfully, with a wide grin. "And beer, exactly." Viggo nodded his thanks at Billy before turning back to Orlando. "What more do you want?" "Whatever happened to romance and flowers and odes of devotion," Orlando lamented, and was rather proud of the single tear that fell from his eye. "Well, we're not having sex, so why would I woo you?" "Oh, fine, be practical about it," Orlando huffed, grabbing his bouquet from Dom. "That's my protégé," Bernard said, beaming at the happy couple. "We ready to continue?" "What's left?" Viggo asked, bumping Orlando's shoulder in apology. "The rings, I think. Right?" "Hey, don't look at me," Karl said. "I'm not married." "Where's Bean when we need him," Orlando lamented, glancing back at Miranda. "You're getting married soon. Are the rings next?" Miranda shrugged. "Yeah, sure." "Smashing." Bernard looked at Orlando. "The rings?" Orlando pulled out the small boxes, and tossed one to Viggo. "This should be good," Billy remarked, scooting forward. "Why, what do you know that I don't?" Elijah asked. "Lots," Billy winked, ruffling Elijah's hair. Viggo opened his box and stared down for a long, charged moment. "Well," he said, clearing his throat. "It's certainly unique." "What'd he do?" Karl leaned over Viggo's shoulder, and promptly burst out laughing. "Fuck, that's brilliant." "What is it?" Elijah demanded impatiently. Viggo held up the gold band engraved with red Elvish lettering, and Orlando grinned proudly. "A stroke of genius, if I say so myself." "Only you, Orlando, only you." "Yours matches, of course," Orlando said, opening his box and pushing the ring on Viggo's third finger. "Right, brilliant symbolism and all that, but we're running terribly behind." Bernard clapped his hands together and glanced between Viggo and Orlando. "We don't have time for you to say your vows separately, so if you'll both repeat after me --" "Strangest wedding I've ever been to," Miranda remarked. "Good practice on what not to do," Billy said. "Think I'll just elope." "Oh, that's a lovely idea," Liv replied. "I think I'll do the same thing." "Ladies, please --" "Hey!" Billy protested. Bernard ignored him and moved on. "Right, sickness, health, better or worse, til death -- or some incredibly leggy, hot blonde -- do you part. Am I missing anything?" "Forsaking all others," Dom stated, with a solemn nod. "You know far too much about weddings, Sblom," Orlando observed. "Lots of cousins." "Whatever you say." "And we're not forsaking all others," Viggo said. "We're not sleeping together." "Now, who said anything about sleeping?" Orlando grinned. "Good point, mate." Karl flashed Viggo a wicked smile. "Shouldn't you be kissing him now?" "That's after we're pronounced," Viggo said. "I do remember some things." "You're actually going to kiss him?" Elijah sounded scandalized and intrigued all at once. "Can we worry about that part after the vows, please?" "I've forgotten them." "Orlando, honestly, what am I going to do with you?" Viggo asked, shaking his head. Orlando put his head on Viggo's shoulder and batted his eyelashes. "Take care of me and buy me shiny things?" "Of course, my dulcet sweetheart." "I think I'm going to be sick." "It's a wedding, Dom. Some respect for the happy couple, please," Bernard admonished. "Provided the happy couple ever get on with it." "Right, yes." Viggo and Orlando straightened. "Sickness, health, better or worse, hot blondes," Viggo said. "That's it, right?" "And I promise then same. Especially the hot blonde bit," Orlando said, winking. "Wonderful." "Now you get to kiss him," Karl stated, crossing his arms and looking at Viggo and Orlando, respectively. "I may honor and cherish you, but I draw the line at kissing," Orlando said, watching as Viggo pushed the ring onto his finger. "However, I'll let you have all of the affairs you want." Viggo laughed. "Fair enough. Any volunteers to be the first?" Liv, Miranda and Billy all raised their hands. "Billy!" Karl exclaimed, clutching a hand to his chest. "Oh, right, sorry, Karl." Billy hurriedly put his arm down. "You know I only have eyes for you." "Long as that's all you have." "I'm content to worship you from afar." "That is so sweet," Liv said, dabbing her cheeks with a handkerchief. "Don't you think that's sweet?" "Think we all need to have our heads checked is what I think," Miranda replied, chuckling. "Are we done, then?" Bernard asked. Orlando glanced at Viggo, who shrugged. 'Yeah, I guess. Rings, vows, no kissing, hot blondes, eternal devotion, all check." "Wonderful." Bernard gave them both a kiss on the cheek, then straightened. "Save a bottle of Glenlivet for me. I'm off." With another smile for everyone, Bernard left the small room. "Guess we should move this to someone's room," Elijah commented. "Or maybe a pub." "It's L.A., Elijah, there are no decent pubs," Dom stated, then turned his mega-watt smile to Viggo and Orlando. "So, where's the honeymoon?" "I'm flying to Texas, he's flying to England." "Separated so soon," Karl lamented. "Well, it was fun while it lasted." "Shortest wedding on record, I'd think." Orlando looked at Billy with a horrified expression. "What're you on about? Vigs and I are as solid as sponge cake." "With the cinnamon sprinkles," Viggo supplied helpfully. "Well, I, for one, am thrilled for you both." Miranda stood, and gave them each a loud kiss on the cheek. "May your love shine brighter than Elijah's light saber." "That's a lot of wattage." "You guys could lay off the light saber jokes at any time, you know," Elijah stated, glaring around the room. "Only when you grow a real one," Dom said, waggling his eyebrows. "Eeeeew!!" Elijah wrinkled his nose. "Save that for the happy couple." "We're thinking of seducing the rest of the cast next, to liven our non-existent sex life." Orlando winked at Elijah, then held out a hand to Viggo. "Come on, our party awaits." Elijah trailed after the small group, tugging on Viggo's arm. "You guys aren't serious? Are you? Guys..." Onto Hearts & Flowers If you enjoyed this fic, please leave feedback here. Thanks!