Title: "Satisfaction Guaranteed" Pairing: Orlando Bloom/Sean Bean Rating: NC-17 Disclaimer: Never happened. Summary: It's like a dance, except there's no music, and neither Orlando nor Sean have rhythm. Notes: Written for the 2008 Orlibean Valentine's Day Fic Challenge. My prompt was during filming the Lord of the Rings, Orlando has doubts and is homesick and feels quite left out at first. Sean is just grumpy like always. The best thing about knowing a man like Sean, Orlando decided, in addition to the many other lovely things that involved knowing a man like Sean, was that he understood certain things. Chief among said things was that Sean also knew there was a fine art in avoiding Viggo when Viggo got it into his head that the lot of them all had to hie off and commune with nature or spend the night drawing sketches of the local flora and fauna or studying the colors of some wild bird or anything. Orlando was a fine one for nature, but, really, Vigs took it to a whole different level. And was rather persistent about it, sort of like a shaggy, dark-haired pit bull with a bone. Normally, when Orlando avoided Viggo (which he did a lot, because he loved Viggo and was in awe of him, because who wasn't, really, but he realized that Viggo was completely mental), he did it by hiding out over at Sean's, who was notorious for being the only person who Viggo was actively afraid of (and with good reason, in Orlando's opinion – he'd witnessed Sean's temper once, and it had been spectacular in its brutish glory), as well as giving him the added bonus of getting to spend more time with Sean. Which was a big check in the hell yes column, as getting to spend time with Sean normally was, even when all Sean did was grunt out replies to Orlando's rambling stories. Orlando was also careful to always bring over a six-pack of bitter when he went to go hide out at Sean's, because he was a bright lad (or so he liked to think), and keeping Sean well lubricated meant that Sean was more likely to take pity on him and let him in the door. With Viggo and his admittedly strange tactics, Orlando tended to need all of the help he could get. "Can't do it," Orlando said, without bothering to slow his stride out to the car park. Stopping around Viggo was the mark of death, like admitting defeat or rolling over and showing your soft underbelly. Viggo jogged up beside him, sword clanking at his side. Still dressed in costume, which wasn't surprising so much as expected at this point. "It's only for..." "Seriously, Vigs, I can't, I'm expected at Sean's." Which was a blatant lie, but Orlando never let his conscience get in the way of a good excuse. "Go bother Karl." "I think he's shagging Dom or tying him to the bedpost or possibly both. You know how they get." Unfortunately, Orlando did. Karl loved nothing more than making Orlando blush by going into graphic detail about everything he was doing to Dom on a nightly basis. Lucky for Karl, he made lewd look damn good, and he was a great friend besides. "So go join them." "Yeah?" "Oh, absolutely. Do you good to let off some steam." Then, Orlando made the fatal mistake of slowing and putting a reassuring hand on Viggo's arm. "Karl's mentioned more than once that you're not so bad in the sack." Orlando couldn't really see the appeal of getting Viggo into bed himself – personally, he thought Viggo got far too distracted by things to be able to concentrate during sex, and Orlando was honest enough to know that he wanted to be the center of attention, not an afterthought to the million thoughts flying through Viggo's head. But Karl tended to gravitate towards a challenge. Probably explained the Dom fascination, as well. Something had to explain the Dom fascination. "Well, it was only the...no, wait, twice, when we were out for a nature walk to try to catch a glimpse of the tuatara, do you remember when I asked you to come along, here, I have a photo somewhere..." Orlando, now well and truly trapped, just gritted his teeth and thought longingly of Sean and Sean's safe, cozy house. *** "So, I said to him, I had no idea that the two-horned platypus could do that –" "Two-horned what?" Sean asked, interrupting Orlando in mid-rant. Orlando looked up from his bowl of crisps. To have another ale or not, that was the question. It would mean leaving the comfort of Sean's truly excellent sofa, but then, there would be alcohol if he did, so there was a reward. "Platypus. It's a –" "I know what one is." Sean thumped Orlando on the back of the head in a friendly gesture from his side of the sofa. "You certain you do?" "What d'you mean?" "I mean I don't think that they have horns." "Don't tell me that, tell Vigs." Sean shook his head and went back to watching the spectacularly dreadful match on the telly. Five-Nil, Orlando didn't even know why Sean bothered. Bloody masochist. Then again, Sean was a Blades fan, and that did take a certain amount of taking up the arse like a man. Orlando took Sean's silence as his cue to continue, and launched back into his diatribe on Viggo and his wild, weird and probably immoral ways. He was careful to place the bowl between them so Sean could get at it. If their hands brushed against each other when reaching for the same crisp, they didn't mention it. They didn't need to. *** "Fuck me, I miss England." Sean grunted a response and went back to reading his paper. The kitchen table was littered with the remnants of breakfast. Orlando had taken to coming over before they had to show up on set and fixing Sean a 'proper' breakfast. He'd said it was because Sean had the bigger kitchen, but when Dom had pointed out that he actually had biggest kitchen of the lot but Orlando wasn't cooking for him now, was he, Orlando had replied that Dom had Billy to cook for him if he was in the market for a chef, since all Karl could do was char steaks on the grill, and Sean, poor lad, had no one at all to look out for him. Orlando was ever one for charitable work, really. "Oi, you even listening?" Sean grunted again, but finally looked up when Orlando reached across the table and whacked his arm. Only Sean could make bed head look attractive. Then again, it probably had more to do with the way his t-shirt emphasized his arms and chest and the way his pajama pants rode over his hips than his crazily spiked hair. "The fuck, 'Lando?" "Pay attention." "To what?" Orlando narrowed his eyes and balled his fist. Sean held up his hands in surrender. "Alright, alright, I'm all ears, what's going on in that wee brain of yours?" "You're lucky I don't hit you again." "You're lucky I don't hit you back." "Hmph." Orlando stood, started gathering the dishes. "An-y-way, as I was saying...I miss England." "Why?" Sean looked around in amazement. "You got any idea how cold it is back home?" "That's just it, everything's backwards here." "One day, lad, you won't mind the warmth." "I like the warmth, but I miss the seasons. And hot chocolate at Chocolate Society." "Well, now, that's normal." Sean sighed lustily. "Be unpatriotic of you not to." "Exactly so." Orlando finished putting everything in the sink and sank into the chair next to Sean's. He laid his head on Sean's shoulder. Sean patted Orlando's knee. They didn't move until they had to leave for makeup. *** "Oi, shove over." "I'm comfortable where I am, and you're blocking the telly," Sean said, and yanked Orlando down across his lap. Orlando made a muttered protest, but settled in, legs draped over Sean's thighs. Viggo looked down at the two of them from where he was standing (leaning against the wall, really, observing and possibly taking notes, typical Vigs), and shook his head. "You two need a few minutes alone to talk?" Sean and Orlando both looked up with bemused expressions, then at each other. "I don't think so," Orlando finally said. "Got any secrets you feel like confessing, you naughty thing?" "Only the one about who really soaked your sheets in baby oil, but I swore I'd take it to the grave." "Oh, that's alright, Lij already confessed." "Tortured him, did you?" "You wouldn't believe how ticklish he is." "Unfortunately, I would. Almost made him piss himself." "Any time now, you two can stop talking about me like I'm not here," Elijah piped up, and hit Orlando's shin for good measure. Orlando looked down where Elijah was sprawled between Dom and Billy on the floor. "Do it again and I'll tickle you until you beg for mercy." Elijah scoffed. "Please, like you'd move from Sean's lap." Orlando glared back, but didn't say anything. Couldn't rightly argue with the truth. Viggo made a noise that sounded suspiciously like a laugh, and the subject changed to what movie to put in next. *** "So, when're you two getting on with it, then?" Dom asked without preamble, making himself at home in his director's chair. Orlando barely glanced up from his PSP. He wasn't needed for another ten glorious minutes, and he was taking it for all it was worth. "Who's getting on with what?" Dom poked Orlando on the knee. "Pay attention, mate. You and Sean." Dom waved vaguely in Sean's direction. Orlando followed the movement and saw Sean and Viggo were standing next to the craft services table (typical), carrying on animatedly about something or another (also typical). The sun, weak though it was, highlighted the white-gold streaks in Sean's hair rather nicely, Orlando thought. No need to go on about how well Sean filled out his Boromir costume, even though the breeches did exceptional things to Sean's arse. Which should be enshrined, after all. "What about us?" he finally asked, when he could tear his gaze away. Dom made a hip-thrusting motion and a curl from his wig fell across his forehead. "You know, the old in-n-out anal love dance." "Anyone ever tell you that you make about as much sense as garters on a nun?" "Kinky thought, that. Had no idea you were into roleplay." "Shove off. I wear a cowl for no man." "Spoilsport. But, seriously, you two've got to do something about this." "About what?" Dom sighed dramatically, and pointed once again to Sean and Viggo. "You and Sean. Shagging." "But we're not." "Trust me, I know. We all know," Dom added, with another long-suffering sigh. "Two of you could power all of Wellington with the heat you generate. What I want to know is when you're both going to do something about it." "We're taking our time." Not that he and Sean had ever talked about it in such precise terms, but there was a tacit understanding between them that the sex (and what magnificent sex it would be) would come when they both felt like it, and not a moment before. Why rush a good thing, Orlando was always fond of telling himself. "Glaciers move faster than you lot." Although, could be Dom had a point. He and Sean had been on this flirty, touchy-feely path for over a month, with not so much as a passionate, toe-curling, dick-dancing kiss to show for it. Dom and Karl had been shagging like minks or rabbits or two exceptionally horny men for the better part of a few weeks. "You got a bet on this or something?" he finally asked, to distract himself from the mental image of Dom in garters and Karl in a priest cowl going at it on the Lothlorien set. "Fifty quid with Billy," Dom replied promptly. "Hmmm." Orlando tapped a finger against his chin thoughtfully. "Can't let Bils win. I still owe him one for the fruitbats. When's your deadline?" "Today." "Cutting it close, weren't you?" Orlando asked, narrowing his eyes. Today meant there wouldn't be much time, since they were working late to get around the torrential downpour that had come down like the wrath of God for over two hours. Dom shrugged. "We've been busy." "Yeah, yeah, alright, but you owe me one." "Don't you think Sean'll be put out at being used like this?" "Dommie, please." Orlando gestured at himself. Admittedly, the effect was somewhat lessened by the tunic, leggings and blond wig, but Orlando thought he made a rather fetching Elf, even if he did feel rather effeminate at times with all of the hair. "This is sex with me we're talking about." Dom made the requisite appraisal, and arched an eyebrow. "Cock made of gold, eh?" "No, mouth that could make you see God. And no, I'm not demonstrating," he added, noting the gleam in Dom's eye. "Wouldn't dream of asking." "Good." Orlando patted Dom's knee. "Since Karl would likely kill you and all." *** "You're in my bed." Sean's look could only be described as bemused fascination. Score one for Captain Obvious, Orlando thought, and tossed the sheets back in invitation. Trust Sean to be thick and demand an explanation, like where he was wasn't explanation enough. "I tripped and fell." "Naked," Sean added, still staring. "I tripped out of my clothes, as well." Sean nodded at that. He didn't move his gaze from Orlando's body. "Does seem the sort of thing you'd do." Orlando narrowed his eyes. Sean was about to be the luckiest man in New Zealand, and was too busy giving Orlando shit to properly appreciate it. Stupid Northern Bastard. "You gonna take the piss all night or get down here so we can properly christen your bed?" he asked, somewhat peevishly. In answer, Sean started unbuttoning his shirt. Orlando watched on in avid admiration. This was far more like it. "Why now?" Sean asked. Orlando thought it best not to mention the bet Dom had with Billy. Besides, he had been planning on getting around to doing this sooner or later. After all, flirting was well and good, but compared to sex? Especially sex when it involved a man like Sean? Well, there just wasn't any comparison. "Got tired of waiting for you to make the first move." "Tired of the right hand, then?" Sean shrugged out of the shirt and moved to the buttons of his jeans. "That, too, and Christ, you're bloody gorgeous," Orlando breathed. Any moment of pique he'd ever felt towards Sean disappeared at the first sight of Sean's hard, muscled, and very gloriously nude, chest. Why the hell had they waited so long again? A faint, endearing flush appeared on Sean's cheeks at the compliment. In that moment, Orlando tumbled hopelessly from lust to love, and never looked back. "Pretty fit for an old man, you mean," Sean said. "Pretty fit for any man. But not just any man can have you because I'm definitely calling dibs." Calling dibs for the foreseeable future, in fact, but no need to get into the specifics at the moment when they had better things to be doing. "Now get in the bed so I can appreciate you and your fantastic body." "Demanding bugger." "Love, you have no idea." Orlando continued to watch in fascinated lust as each inch of skin was revealed. From the light dusting of freckles on Sean's shoulders to the arch of his feet, there wasn't a part of him that didn't make Orlando's mouth water. When Sean was finally (thank you, Jesus) naked, he crawled onto the bed and settled himself on top of Orlando like he'd been doing it all his life. He placed his elbows on either side of Orlando's head, smirk firmly in place when Orlando wiggled under him, ran curious hands along Sean's muscled thighs and back. It was like touching warm, living marble. "Better?" "Much," Orlando answered, and raised his head. The first kiss was barely a brush of lips, just testing the waters, so to speak. Sean's lips were soft, slightly chapped, but conformed easily enough to Orlando's. The second kiss was just as light, but went on longer. By the time they got around to the third kiss, Orlando had moved his hands up to Sean's hair and was holding him in place to sweep his tongue against Sean's in a slow dance. Sean took the act of kissing very seriously. Every touch of lips against Orlando's was warm, thorough, each slide of Sean's tongue against Orlando's was soft and assured. Orlando moaned appreciatively in the back of his throat, ran his hand along the back of Sean's neck, twisted up so he and Sean were both lying on their sides. Their legs tangled together, hairs rubbing together in sweet friction. Sean ran firm hands along Orlando's back, then down to grip his ass, pulling him in even closer. When Orlando felt Sean's erection rubbing against his, he moaned again. Everything about Sean was making him moan. "Christ, Sean..." "Why'd we wait so long again?" Sean breathed, echoing Orlando's earlier thought, then dived right back in for another kiss. Orlando wouldn't have had an answer, even if Sean had let him speak, but he made a vow to himself that he and Sean were definitely going to make up for lost time. He hooked his leg over Sean's hip, rolled Sean over onto his back and settled between strong thighs. Stared down at that gloriously naked chest, and nipped playfully at Sean's nipples. The resultant growl was proverbial music to Orlando's ears. "Yeah?" he asked, not really a question, reaching between them to take Sean's cock in hand. "Fuck yeah," Sean replied, and leaned up to get at Orlando's lips again. He raked his nails along Orlando's shoulders, then fumbled in the nightstand. A moment later, he slapped a small bottle of 'Wet' into Orlando's palm. Orlando coated his fingers and reluctantly pulled away from the temptation of Sean's mouth. And promptly felt a brief moment of panic the second he started to push one finger inside Sean, eyes locked together, connected in a way that Orlando hadn't felt in a very long time. This wasn't just some random fuck, to be forgotten in the morning. This was Sean. Was he ready for this? Was he worthy? Then Sean pushed his hips up to meet Orlando's movement, and the fleeting thought was lost. Hell yeah, he was worthy. Why wouldn't he be? "C'mon, 'Lando, m'not some bloody bird," Sean growled, and Orlando added another finger, twisted them both, avidly watching the changing expressions on Sean's face. "I sure as fuck hope not," Orlando replied, and removed his fingers, lining his cock up and pushing inside as he leaned back in for another hard, sliding kiss. It was definitely worth the wait, and then some. Good Christ, Sean was tight. And moved with him, matching each roll of Orlando's hips with his own. There was no way in hell Orlando was going to last very long, not after all of the weeks of teasing, not after he was finally here, inside Sean and all of that insanely tight heat, but Orlando was determined to give it his best shot. And then he was determined to do it all over again. Practice did make perfect, after all. "Feels...good..." Sean ground out, then dug his heels into Orlando's lower back, pushing him in even deeper. Orlando groaned, then lost his breath entirely, and redoubled his efforts. He reached between them, took Sean's cock in hand, slanted his mouth over Sean's as they finally found a rhythm. Afterwards, with Sean's sweat cooling on his skin, and Sean draped over him like a blanket, Orlando finally found regained the power of speech. "Why'd we wait so long again?" Sean shrugged, then snuggled closer. "Not a clue." "Well, we're not making that mistake again." "Fuckin' right we're not." Sean lifted his head and smiled down at Orlando. "If y'think I'm not getting my own back, then you're as daft as Viggo." "Let's not bring Viggo and sex up in the same sentence," Orlando groaned, and Sean laughed again, a deep belly laugh that shook the bed and reverberated throughout Orlando's body in tiny fissures of pleasure. "I'm sure Karl and Dom will keep him busy enough." "I don't want to think about that, either." "I dunno, I think it might be hot to watch..." Sean trailed off, arched one of his sexy eyebrows in challenge. Orlando patted Sean's back, then slid it along Sean's sweat-damp spine. "Stop trying to bait me, I'm basking in my post-orgasmic lassitude." "I'm impressed you know what lassitude means," Sean said, and before Orlando could lodge his very vocal protest, he covered Orlando's lips with his own. They could argue later, Orlando thought, in the dim part of his brain that was still working. At the moment, he could think of far better things to do with his time. Onto Room Service If you enjoyed this fic, please leave feedback here. Thanks!