Title: "Knight In White Satin" Pairing: Karl Urban/Orlando Bloom Rating: PG Summary: Wherein Dom has a madcap scheme, Karl models clothing, and Orlando has a fascination with satin. Disclaimer: Never happened. Notes: A long time back, Jen dared me to write 'slip-fic'. This is the result. Pure crack, of the highest order. It was just another typical day on set. Which, naturally, meant that Dom had an outrageous scheme. Dom always had outrageous schemes. Orlando had foolishly thought that he was the madcap sort before he'd come to New Zealand, but that notion had been laid to rest in the first week of rehearsals. Orlando still had no idea how Dom had gotten the cotton-top tamarins to riot like that, but he was fairly certain that they wouldn't be invited back to the Wellington Zoo at any point in the near future. Or ever. So, when Dom suddenly glanced up from his newspaper and fixed Orlando with a bright, cheeky grin, Orlando knew better than to return it. He'd learned a long time ago that returning the grin only encouraged Dom. Then again, not returning it also encouraged him, contrary bugger that he was. "So, here's what I think," Dom announced, and folded his hands in his lap. Orlando tried very hard not to look at Dom, and said nothing. He wondered how long it would take for Peter and Andrew to fix the lighting problem. He wondered where Billy and Elijah had run off to, and why they'd left him alone with a madman. "You should buy Karl a chemise." So much for the idea of ignoring him. Orlando swiveled in his chair, and gaped at Dom. "A what?" "A chemise, y'know? Like what girls wear under their dresses and skirts and all to keep from exposing themselves." "Karl's not a girl, Dom," Orlando replied, saying the first thing that popped into his head. "In case you've gone blind recently." "Never said he was." Dom's grin could now light all of the Southern Hemisphere. "But you should still get him one." Orlando knew he shouldn't rise to the bait like this – after all, he remembered what happened to Billy during the aborted Truth or Dare nights (aborted because of Dom, Orlando reminded himself) – but he just couldn't seem to stop the question from coming out. "Why on earth would I want to do that?" Dom's reply was prompt, and very typically Dom-like. "Because it'd be hot, having him all modeling in women's unmentionables." "And you would know this, how?" "Not important," Dom replied, waving a hand airily. "You're right, I don't want to know." In fact, just thinking about how Dom might know that sort of thing was making him a little green around the gills. There were just some images a person should never have in their head. "And it'd get Karl's attention," Dom continued, acting as if Orlando hadn't spoken, "which would be good for you, since you've been mooning over him for weeks now." "I have not!" Orlando exclaimed, indignantly, hoping he sounded convincing. "You have so," Dom replied, with stoic equanimity. "Even Lij's noticed you've got a massive thing for him, and you know Elijah. Oblivious to everything, that boy is." "Really? Even Lij?" Fuck. Well, if it was that obvious, there really wasn't much use denying it. "I knew it." Dom sounded entirely too pleased with himself. "Wanker." "C'mon, it'll be a lark. I'll even go shopping with you." "A lark, yeah," Orlando grumbled, and slumped lower in his seat. "He'll kick my arse back to England and then I'll never get a shot at him." "Well, I don't see you with any other bright ideas." "Dom, last time you talked me into anything, Viggo didn't speak to either of us for two weeks, then he and Bean tickled me near to death." Dom made a great show of rolling his eyes, the show-off. It was amazing that they didn't pop right out of their sockets. "It all worked out. You're still friends, right?" "Yes," Orlando replied, speaking slowly (not that he thought it would help Dom to understand him, but it was helping him to calm down a bit), "but I don't want to be just friends with Karl and I don't want him to tickle me, unless it's the back of his throat tickling my cock." Where Karl's cock was concerned, Orlando had a rather active imagination. "Well, if he goes for it, you'll have a shot at getting that," Dom replied, with another one of those damnable bright grins. And, Orlando, being weak where Karl's concerned (and reallyreallyreally wanting Karl's throat to tickle his cock, among other things) and honestly not having any ideas to get Karl to notice him so he could get near Karl's cock, finally just sighed and gave in. "Alright, fine, but you're coming with." "Of course I am." Dom looked affronted that Orlando even had to mention it. "I wouldn't trust you on your own with something this important." "Oi, I can shop on my own, you know!" "Of course you can," Dom replied, serenely, and went back to his paper. *** The next morning, Karl walked into the Cuntebago and found a small, inexpertly wrapped package on his makeup chair. There was no note. Carefully, because he had a healthy respect for the pranks this cast and crew played, especially Dom, who really should win an award for pranks, Karl tore open the wrapping. And sort of stared at the pristinely white satin chemise for a moment before pulling it out and holding it up to his waist. If this was a prank, it was certainly an odd one. Viggo chose that moment to walk in. "That's hot," he commented, and blew over the rim of his mug of tea to cool it. "What's it for?" "Not a clue," Karl shrugged, and turned this way and that in front of the mirror to get a decent look at how it might fit his hips, "but don't you think it's too late in the season for white?" Viggo sat in his chair and propped his feet up on the table. "It's summer in the northern hemisphere. So, technically, you're fine." "Good to know." "Who sent it?" "No idea," Karl replied, and finally put the chemise down. "No note?" "No note. I feel like I should be insulted." "I don't blame you. Bad form, as Bean would say," Viggo said, then shrugged. "I'm sure the culprit will come forth eventually. No secrets on set, y'know." "Mmm," Karl said absently, and nodded. It did seem slightly tame for Dom, but that still left a rather large list of people to choose from. *** "Well, how'd it go?" Dom asked, the second he saw Orlando later that afternoon. "No idea," Orlando shrugged, and hunched into his hoodie like he was trying to hide in it. He'd managed to avoid Dom all day – it would figure that he'd get caught on his way to his car. Dom frowned in confusion. "But Karl did get it. I heard from Viggo that he was modeling it and everything." Modeling it? In front of Viggo? Orlando's tongue went dry at the thought. "Well, um...I kindadidn'tleaveanote." Dom cupped his hand against his ear and cocked his head. "Come again?" "I didn't leave a note," Orlando repeated, certain he was as red as a beet by now. "Look, are you sure this was a good idea?" In answer, Dom sighed. A very long-suffering, very over-the-top sigh. "Daft bugger, come on." With that, Dom grabbed Orlando's wrist and dragged him across the compound to one of the smaller rehearsal rooms, where Karl was rehearsing a scene with Miranda. They both looked up with identical polite expressions at the intrusion. "Karl," Dom announced, not letting go of Orlando's hand, "Orlando has something he'd like to tell you." If the earth could have swallowed Orlando whole in that moment, he wouldn't have minded. Fucking tosser, Dom was, talking him into this. And Orlando couldn't even hide properly behind Dom, on account of how short he was. Stupid Hobbit, he thought, and jerked his hand out of Dom's grasp. He made a point of not looking at Karl. Karl raised an eyebrow in question. Miranda smothered a laugh. It wasn't exactly a secret that Orlando had the biggest crush on Karl since peanut butter was introduced to chocolate. "Go on," Dom encouraged. "Or I'll do it for you." Bugger. "Um..." Orlando stammered, and glanced quickly at Karl before quickly returning his gaze to the floor. Shiny things, floors. He'd never truly appreciated them before. "Oh, sweet Jesus and mother Mary," Dom sighed. "Karl, Orlando bought you the chemise. And he was wants you to model it for him." "Karl, darling, I had no idea you were into that sort of thing," Miranda said, eyes twinkling with amusement. "I'm not really, but it is white and satin." "I've seen you as more of a baby blue person myself," Miranda nodded. Karl tapped a finger to his chin in consideration. "You know, you're right. White is all wrong for my coloring, isn't it?" "The only color they had was white," Dom said, when it was apparent that Orlando still hadn't found his voice. "That explains it then." Miranda turned back to Karl. "How's it look on you?" "I think it might be too snug in the hips." "It's the biggest size they had," Orlando blurted out, then turned bright scarlet. The look Karl gave Orlando could only be described at assessing. "I had no idea you were trying to court me, love." Orlando just stammered again. Dom and Miranda looked at each other knowingly. "Why satin?" Karl asked. Orlando shrugged and made a great show of shuffling his feet. "It was Dom's idea, but it's hot when girls wear one. Feels nice on the skin and all." "Ahhhh, so you want me to be your bitch, is that it?" Orlando's head jerked up. His eyes, if possible, got even wider. Miranda finally lost the battle to stifle her laughter. "Um. Not exactly..." Orlando trailed off, biting his lip. He felt like the biggest teenage girl on the planet. Karl, after another long moment of silence, finally grinned. Something inside Orlando blossomed at the sight. "I didn't say it was a bad thing," Karl winked. "Come by the house later tonight and if you're lucky I might model it for you...or better yet, have you model it for me." "I knew it," Dom grinned, and high-fived Miranda. For his part, all Orlando could do was stare at Karl in a state of stupefied lust. He'd never given any thought to wearing girl's underclothes, but if it would get him into Karl's bed, he had a feeling he might be up for just about anything. As long as it didn't involve thongs. Onto Check and Mate If you enjoyed this fic, please leave feedback here. Thanks!